all i am, is holding breath

memory lane

2007-08-03T09:32:01Z

Seems like its been a while

Im moving to riverside to attend California Baptist University
Im majoring in visual arts
I make beanies and sell them at shows
I date now... which is different

I am well on my way to a wall full of polaroids
I am a much happier person than I ever really have been before
I enjoy cooking and creating
I drive a lot
I have a disneyland pass
Ive lost around 25 pounds since january

subject matter

2006-03-23T20:00:29Z

Do you ever get scared that who you are now is who you will be for the rest of your life?

I feel like I have grown and learned... only to realize that I have barely touched the tip of the iceburg...

my baby dont care

2006-02-28T19:22:09Z

i love the mountains
Ive been in the Big Bear area for two weekends in a row.
this weekend will make it three.
The more i leave orange county..
the more i realize how much i love being away

There is increasingly less for me here.

I no longer work at TCM. I was more or less fired.
But its chill i hated my job. Now i can just finish school.

I love campfires, and snow, and winding mountain roads.
I love the Depot, and the lookout, and space heaters.

This week i am...
making a t-shirt
a collage
baby bootys
a doggie sweater
a new purse
and a card

The lovers cry and the poets dream

2006-02-21T17:29:53Z

Its been a long time since ive been so insecure. The more i tell myself that everything is fine, the more i know im wrong. I spent last weekend at camp. I had no idea how much i missed it. At this point i am simply trying to keep myself focused on June 4. I dont really know how this coming summer will turn out, but all i can really do is hope that its better than everything right now... I sort of feel like some of the people i trust and care about most are slowly removing me from their lives. I know that most of it is probably in my head, but that doesnt make it hurt any less. I wish that by simply understanding feelings, you could choose which ones you'll allow yourself to have... Whatever it is that i am holding onto so tightly... i can feel it dissapearing.

on a side note

2006-02-12T23:17:07Z

I think that I might be more upset than I have been in a long long time...

Im angry, hurt, frustrated, lost, and hopeless all at the same time.

I guess this is why people seek refuge.

The sinful nature of all humanity seriously sucks.

fielddayfun @ 2006-02-06T12:46:00

2006-02-06T20:55:13Z

I am empty and I have nothing to say

salvation in the southern states

2006-01-10T05:06:59Z

January 1: Flew to Oklahoma
January 2: Drove from Tulsa to Pilot Point Texas, carved my name in a dining room table, rode on a four wheeler for the first time
January 3: Went shopping in Dallas Ft.Worth, ate at Sonic and Red Lobster for the first time, talked about deisel trucks and watched the hunting channel
January 4: Made friends with the local jeweler, got air on the four wheeler, shot my first shotgun, hit the target five times, played some halo, went to church, watched the USC vs. Texas game
January 5: Dont remember the morning, lasagna night, dance party
January 6: Wedding preparations, donuts, listened to music, rehearsal dinner, murder, dance party #2
January 7: Sheldon and Amy's wedding, lots of running around, lots of crying, I hate goodbyes, drove to Sulfur Springs, Texas
January 8: slept all day due to illness
January 9: Drove back to Oklahoma, flew home

I dont think I really understood until now how it feels to miss someone so much it makes my insides hurt.
I dont understand why I care about him so much, and I know the feelings arent romantic, but I feel so safe when im around him. I miss the summer, and it utterly breaks my heart to know that I wont be that close with him again, ever.
It makes me hate myself.
I wish I could be numb so I wouldnt be so sad.

I love Texas.

My hair is past my shoulders, and by the end of the month im going to cut it all off again.

oooh ooh baby i love your ways

2005-12-14T21:43:25Z

I switched to vicodin.

Not aloud to drive till im off meds.

Everything is sort of dizzy.

Im sick of tv.

I wish someone would come visit me.
Or take me out to do something.

seriously overrated

2005-12-13T21:36:11Z

so I had emergency surgery yesterday
spent the night in the hospital
and am currently high on morphine

ill be in recovery for the next couple of days

dont expect to hear much from me

nobody said it was easy

2005-11-29T06:20:38Z

i feel someone other than me has been living my life for the past week

im in a black hole

an encyclopedia of the difinitive qualities of life

2005-11-15T23:22:00Z

Life is not defined by ones abilities, but rather what they accomplish by using those abilities.

Everything feels pretty bittersweet right now.

I am on the verge of becoming a responsible person.
but there are a few things I havent let go of yet.
Ill do it when im ready.
Ill be a whole number older soon and Im honestly feeling very neutral about it.
I dont think I lived up "16" as much as I could have.
Maybe I should make a list for "17" and try to finish everything.

Just because its healthy....
I am thankful for the following: (in no particular order)
1. My family
2. Gods grace
3. the fact that I have a car
4. the freedom I have been blessed with
5. my metabolism
6. Krista Monteros
7. music
8. the ability to dance
9. Jonathan Gibo's hugs
10. My new baby cousin Gabriella (born yesterday)
11. my hair
12. Writers
13. strawberry ice cream
14. the rain
15. grass
16. photographers
17. my pillow

I feel better

fielddayfun @ 2005-11-12T00:18:00

2005-11-12T08:18:02Z

i feel sleazy

fielddayfun @ 2005-11-08T09:06:00

2005-11-08T17:07:59Z

i want to be a really beautiful person someday

thank you stranger

2005-11-03T18:27:54Z

So this morning Zack woke me up at 3
I put clothes on, grabbed my pillow, $20 and my special blanket
Walked outside, got in his car, and we drove to Joshua Tree to watch the sunrise
We then conquered some mountains. well Zack did. Took some pictures
Ate Dennys and came home.
we only listened to a lot of bright eyes.

Im going to bed now
But it was amazing

supercalifragalisticexpialidocious

2005-10-27T16:12:38Z

I wish I wasnt so ashamed of feeling sad

Also...
I need to get away. I want to leave soon and just be somewhere else for a week. A couple days even, if thats all I can manage.
I feel like im being suffocated by a life that just dropped in my lap.
I am so confused.

fielddayfun @ 2005-10-06T21:58:00

2005-10-07T05:06:28Z

for halloween i want to be:

Goku from Dragon Ball Z

The trashiest white trash ever

or an acrobat

and i gotta admit, sometimes its pretty sad
but its like were our own brat pack
were always kickin back
nobody can take that
that is that
its like its all we have

say oh oh, get on the floor, dance till you got no more,
i know its there somewhere, dont worry ill be there
to rock the party all night
to rock it till the light
our fists in the air, fightin the good fight
cause we were singing along to peter gabrial songs

i dont know if those are all the right words but that song makes me feel so bittersweet

i want to dance
i want to have fun
i miss the summer i didnt have.

but dude seriously what should i be for halloween?

fielddayfun @ 2005-10-03T16:47:00

2005-10-03T23:49:01Z

I found my dream dress for homecoming
And when I went to order it they didnt have any more!!!
I am really really upset by this and I honestly dont even watn to shop for another one

Im thinking about getting it made for me.
Maybe that would make me happier.

click "dress" to see it

good times

2005-10-01T20:17:57Z

Im in love with a boy who doesnt exhist.
I found my homecoming dress
I miss my best friend
Sometimes I wish I didnt have any guilt.
I exercise every day
I eat healthy
Im going Huntington High School next year
because my mom doesnt want me to miss out on life
and becuase my little sister wants to be a freshman there
and because I will get out at 12
Im working on being a better person

Im almost ready to grow up.
Ill be seventeen in 87 days
Im want to be white trash for halloween
But I need a partner

fielddayfun @ 2005-09-27T22:57:00

2005-09-28T05:57:29Z

If you read this,
even if we do not speak often,
comment with one memory of me.
It can be anything you want,
good or bad.
Just as long as it happened.
Then post this on your livejournal.
See what other people remember about you...

fielddayfun @ 2005-09-11T22:01:00

2005-09-12T05:01:23Z

i have so much to say

and no one to say it to

and such is the art of reservation

fielddayfun @ 2005-09-07T22:42:00

2005-09-08T05:43:39Z

Two peanuts were walking down the street in LA....

One of them was asalted...

fielddayfun @ 2005-08-28T09:00:00

2005-08-28T15:59:51Z

Camping at Big Sur!
Sweet!!

understand that seasons change

2005-08-11T17:06:51Z

I just got home from pondo, the summer camp ive been working at since early june.
I dont know exactly how I feel yet, but I definintely dont regret it.
I have a lot of questions now, which is really good, and I made new friends as well.
I dont want to think about them though they live like four states away.
I have a lot of new ambitions for this coming school year, and I am hoping real hard that I can achieve them.
I have a job at Jacks Girls surf shop now as well. that should be interesting. I go in for training on Monday.
i feel like my summer is just now starting, not that its almost over.
I hope that I can enjoy what I have left!
I want to go to the Ghetty Museum next week, as well as LA and possibly Washington.
I hope everyone elses summers have been just super.

Also I have definitely just had the majoy recent revelation that its okay to let go.
Yes I should miss people, but its okay, I cant let it bring my down.
The friends I make are in my life for a reason and I have to appreciate what they have done for me,
and the memories we have shared, and jsut be thankful that I got to know them
And move though, i will know hundreds of people in my life time, not every friend I make is meant to be a lifelong friend.
Ive absolutely found a peace about this now.

Later Days

2005-06-04T18:50:07Z

Okay so I hope you all have really amazing summers.
I doubt that I will see anyone
but if I happen to bump into you on some weekend I will be happy
I doubt that I will update my LJ
unless I have pictures of some super hotties that go to camp
And if that happens I will be a super creep and post them so that everyone can stare
Basically I wish everyone the best

For those who are graduating this year:
some of you i might not see again because you are graduating, i understand that
it probably wont make too much of a difference
but to everyone who is graduating i really hope that its everything you hope for
and that grad night and your ceremonies are amazing and memorable
and that your summers are filled with everything you could ever imagine to be wonderful
all of you are truly special people and the world isnt ready for what you have to bring
happy graduation!

fielddayfun @ 2005-06-01T09:05:00

2005-06-01T16:02:11Z

i think im ready to leave now

in fact, ive never wanted to get out of here as much in my whole life.
its hard to realize that i wont really be missing anyone
besides my family
and a few of them

it doesnt matter though
its time to get going